We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all expected to be quiet.<\/p>\n
That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the trade-off we make for careers.<\/p>\n
We know that the moment we speak out, we trade our futures for the chance of torpedoing our careers.<\/p>\n
Every time we publicly mention the things that happen to us, we cut the number of people willing to hire us by another slice. We wonder about the moment when a future employer googles us, finds out we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a \u00e2\u20ac\u0153troublemaker\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give us the interview. Or we envision the nicely worded letter that tells us that we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re not really a good fit for the office \u00e2\u20ac\u0153culture\u00e2\u20ac\u009d.<\/p>\n
We stay silent while our bosses touch our legs and our back. While they make jokes they would never make in front of their mothers. While the other bosses shrug and brush it away.<\/p>\n
And we know that the moment we speak up, we stand a good chance of losing everything we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve ever fought for professionally, socially, financially.<\/p>\n
Even worse, the men who have the ability to speak up\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 often don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. We have to remain silent because the man who refuses to stop kissing us at greeting could fire us if we complain. The other men and women on his level remain silent because\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 well, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t really know. But\u00c2\u00a0they do.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
I stayed silent at the beginning, because I thought I must be crazy. I thought these things can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be a problem because no one else says anything about them. I felt alone and isolated and scared. It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel good when you have to make a 5 minute trip through the building into a 10 minute cat and mouse chase of avoiding walking by someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s office, breakroom or usual hunting grounds. It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel good to know you have to sit still and let someone touch you on your head, your back, your legs, because if you make a scene, you no longer have a job.<\/p>\n
I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that to other women. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t allow them feel like they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re alone and crazy. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t make them doubt their own experiences. Bora Zivkovic is a dear friend of mine. He helped me get into science communication in the world outside of museums and nature centers. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve always considered him an ally.<\/p>\n
But he did something that hurt someone<\/a>. Possibly other someones as well. And my support has to go to the person who was hurt first. Because the men who hurt me were also friends of other people. Friends who stayed silent. They looked over their drinking buddy\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s indiscretions because he was a good guy. They turned a blind eye so that the man\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s wife wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be hurt by the controversy.<\/p>\n It was all done to minimize harm\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 to him. To extend benefit of the doubt\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 to him.<\/p>\n But what about me? I was not given that benefit of the doubt. I was told \u00e2\u20ac\u0153well, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the way you dress\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153why don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t you just avoid him?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Oh, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a good guy. He doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean it.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n The men who do these things are given the chance to shape up and fly right. They get to make their tearful apologies. And then they get to make the same tearful apology in another six months. (Well, if they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re ever called on it in the first place.) The women who are the targets are told to smile and forgive. The fact that they have options closed off to them by this is completely ignored. They now don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just have to worry about doing a good job. They now need to worry about negotiating a minefield of a whole bunch of other questions.<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I do work for this man, is he going to treat me inappropriately?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153If I am put on a project with this other man, how will I make sure I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not in the same room alone with him?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can my career even afford to take the chance?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Can my mental health<\/em> even afford to take the chance?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, Bora. Because I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t accept your apology<\/a> at face value. You mean a lot to me, and if nothing else comes out, I will happily geek out with you about science at future events. I want to believe that this was a temporally-limited thing and that you have changed and that it won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happen again. I want that to be true. I want that to be true more than anything. It is actively hurting me to know that I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t extend that trust immediately. This is truly one of the hardest posts I’ve ever had to write.<\/p>\n But I need to know that the next time someone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s friend hurts me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be able to stand up and demand justice and not feel like a hypocrite, demanding something from other people, that I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t give when they needed me. Fighting for equality means fighting for equality for everyone and at all times<\/em>. Not just when it’s personally convenient.<\/p>\n ……..<\/p>\n An addendum for this whole piece before the MRAs inevitably attack me: This is a personal experience piece. I am a woman. I work for men. I have always been harassed by straight men with more power than me, within a culture that says that men with power get to have women as they desire. Men do experience workplace harassment as well, and have some special barriers to reporting, since they aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t allowed to be victims in the sexual arena in our culture. Those experiences should not be denigrated. I do not ignore them, and I will stand up for them too, but I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t personally speak to them.<\/em><\/p>\n Highly Recommended Related Reading:<\/strong><\/p>\n Mixed Up <\/a>by Kathleen Raven<\/a><\/p>\n This is not a post I want to write<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0by Janet Stemwedel<\/a><\/p>\n Why you Should Always Confront Prejudice<\/a><\/p>\n The Insidious Power of Not-Quite-Harassment<\/a>\u00c2\u00a0by Hannah Waters<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re all expected to be quiet. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the trade-off we make for careers. We know that the moment we speak out, we trade our futures for the chance of torpedoing our careers. Every time we publicly mention the things that happen to us, we cut the number of people willing to hire us by another […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-161","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-soapbox"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/161","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=161"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/161\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=161"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=161"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.thisview.org\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=161"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}